A tourists guide to Sweden (pronounced Svaerje)

Har du nåt leg ditt fula drägg?
Kom hit igen när du har skägg!

(The above is a ”snapsvisa”, a drinking song, about a poor man without an ID. He went blind.)

This blogpost is not in swedish.

WELCOME TOURISTS!

Welcome, welcome, welcome to the friendly and safe country of Sweden. From the plains av Skane (pronounced Sk-auuuu-ne.) to the forests of Dalarna (pronounced Daaaala.nna.) we greet you, salute you,almost buy you a beer! The citizens of this more than a thousand year old democrac… monarchy … says ”Hi, fella!”, or ”Ge mej mobben, kompish!”!

The people of our major cities welcomes your hard earned cash or equally hard earned plastic. Göteborg (pronounced ”fecking shait uva town”) likes you! Stockholm (pronounced the ”greatest city in the galaxy”) adores you! Piteaau (pronounced ”tjeck zeir paperz!”) abhores you (as long as you’re not a communist or don’t like porn). The major foodmarket franchising company of ICA (pronounced STASI) would like to see your ID before you shop for groceries, but it’s for your own good. But, now … Before you take a tour of this wonderful country where, contrary to popular belief, polarbears can only be found in a zoo, I would like to adress you most sincerely about a few things that will make your stay a better stay than if you would have stayed in … let’s say Norway. I speak to you out of concern for your ultimate comfort and safety. It won’t take long, just listen:

* Beer
Beer is abundant in Sweden. You can get a brewskie in more or less any place. Just keep in mind a few simple rules and your stay here will be much more pleasant. There’s helluva lot of beer brands to choose from, but all of them comes in four cathegories: Light, people, middle, and strong beer. Light beer is more or less a softdrink, kinda like water with a slight tinge of beerishness. Peoples beer is a bit stronger and slightly less tasteful than middlebeer, wich is stronger than the other two but weaker than strong beer. Strong beer is the strongest. Well, duh!

When buying a beer in Sweden it’s imporant to remember these four types of beer. Light and peoples beer may be purchased in any food- or supermarket. Middle and strong beer may only be purchased either out of the back of a van outside a school, or in a liqour shop. There’s just one kind of liqour shop in Sweden – the Systems Company, or Systembolaget (pronounced ”Glasbanken”). Opening hours are equal to the needs of thirsty citizens, that is – from half past eleven to 10:30 a.m.

Now, I won’t fool you. Purchase of light or peoples beer in any food- or supermarket may be a bit tricky. You see, dear foreigner, in Sweden we are very serious abot age. Goddamn serious, to tell you the truth. Fucking crazy about it, ok!?

So, if you’re fourteen or fifteen and in possession of a fake ID, you can buy a shitload of light or peoples beer, amphetamine or other substances except alchohol. If, on the other hand, you’re somewhere between twentyfive and eightynine, even if you have a legit ID, you may not buy a beer in a supermarket. It’s a bit strange to outsiders, but we take good care or both our citizens and tourists. As long as they’re not from Egypt.

Send your kids to buy the booze. As long as they keep to ICA. Try and send them into the Systems Company and you’re pretty much screwed; no beer for you, next!

* Tobacco
Tobacco is just as abundant as beer. You may purchase cigarettes, cigars, pipe tobacco, and cigarilles in just about any newsstand (the major newsstand brand in Sweden is the Press Bureau, or ”Press-Baijrooon”, or ”Alis Livs & Delikatesser”). You may also purchase another form of tobacco – weed. Though not in the Press Bureau (Iäm not sure about Ali … ). Weed is prohibited to use, even in small quantities. Sorry, hon’. It is not allowed to smoke at or near babies, mothers who do not smoke, transit train platforms, on buses, in the subway, in parks, on the street, in or at the pub, waiting in line, from a balcony below a non smoker sub-let, in your own apartment, in a hotel, in a bus stop, at a bus stup, fifteen miles from a bus stop or in a forrest, on a hill, near a cave, in a gas station, in a diner, in a car, cab, truck, ambulance or cop car. If you need a smoke, check where the nearest rökruta (pronounced ”schoolyard”) is located and please, please, try not to look like a pedophile. Swedish teens always craves a cigarette so you might score a blonde swede babe, dude.

Should you not be a smoker but still like tobacco, you could try snus (pronounced ”prilla”). It’s a wet tobacco, it comes in neither grain or filtered versions. You can buy it wholesale, a ”stubbe”, or just a wee amount equal to red line bag of coke. Every kind of tobacco comes with a horror novel, a color poster of a smokers lungs and a curse from God (pronounced ”Folkhälsoinstitutet”). Stay clear of tobacco!
Hard drugs is available at the nearest bar!

Keep these simple things in mind and your stay in Sweden will be, like, totally awesome. Oh, just one more thing before I quit:

Don’t use your cellphone. Don’t use the internet. Don’t use the phone. Don’t blog, don’t send a postcard, don’t speak in any other language than swedish. Don’t mention FRA (pronounced ”gestapo”).

Welcome! Enjoy your stay!

(This blogpost was inspired by Aftonbladet (pronounced ”the National Enquirer”)

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